


3 Hours

by orphan_account



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Gen, I really want this some day, but for now a fic will have to do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 16:53:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21668278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The boys do the three hour episode, the drunk/high episode, and dyeing Cody's hair blue... all at the same time. It goes about as well as you might expect.
Relationships: Cody Ko & Noel Miller
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	3 Hours

_Cody and Noel are seated on barstools on the side of Cody's kitchen island closest to the living room. Cody is on the right, Noel on the left. Cody is wearing a raggedy old t-shirt and distressed jeans, and Noel is wearing a black Stüssy hoodie and black sweats. They are wearing lapel mics. There are multiple plastic grocery bags filled with items on the counter of the kitchen island behind them._

CODY  
Can you believe it?

NOEL  
I never thought I'd see the day.

CODY  
Absolutely not.

NOEL  
What's up guys. Um, we're here, in Cody's kitchen. Just a clean, nice place that we're about to absolutely trash--

CODY  
Well, I wouldn't personally say we're going to trash it.

NOEL  
We're going to fuck it up big time, guys, because today, we're doing it all. Okay? We know we've been holding out on you guys, and we're sorry. We've gotten bad at keeping up with our promises--

CODY  
So we wanted to make it up to you guys somehow, and so we decided to put all three of them into one big promise fulfillment podcast episode.

_Cody laughs and Noel starts to rifle through the grocery bags._

NOEL  
We're tackling the three Patreon goals today: the three hour episode, the drunk/high episode, and dyeing Cody's hair blue.

CODY  
Bright blue, baby. Royal blue. Cyan.

NOEL  
We went and got all of the necessary items... Snacks, drinks, hair dye, gloves--

CODY  
I'm wearing this ugly-ass shirt that doesn't really fit me anymore, cuz the dye--

NOEL  
Yeah. Cody's too big for it now.

CODY  
Oh fuck off.

NOEL  
[Giggles]

CODY  
Noel's going to dye my-- well, first we're going to drink, well, I'm going to drink, Noel's going to smoke some of that good kush, and then we're gonna start blue-ing my hair. [Runs fingers through it]

NOEL  
Yeah. And we put a post up on Patreon two days ago asking for questions or suggestions of what to do while we waited for Cody's hair to really set--

CODY  
We have to bleach it too. We read a WikiHow. [Laughs]

NOEL  
[Reading label of hair dye bottle] Yeah, so what I'm gonna do is try and--

CODY  
Noel is going to ruin my hair. [Rubs eyes with both hands, trying to muster the resolve to trust his friend]

NOEL  
Cody is going to get drunk so that whatever I end up doing looks good to him. That's what he means to say.

CODY  
You better not fuck this up. I'd like it if my girlfriend still wanted to have sex with me.

NOEL  
You two still have sex?

CODY  
Oh. Yeah. All the time. Totally.

NOEL  
Don't worry. I'm going to genuinely try, okay? I know, that's not like me at all. But here it goes.

CODY  
There's always a first time for everything.

NOEL  
For trying?

CODY  
[Unable to keep from smiling] Yeah.

NOEL  
Anyways. [Giggles]

CODY  
Yeah anyways. Let's get cracking, shall we?

NOEL  
Amen, brother.

_Cody grabs one of the cans of beer from the bag and pops the top, taking a sip. Noel pulls out his pen and takes a drag. They stare at each other, making steady eye contact with for a good five seconds before bursting into laughter._

CODY  
This feels so wrong, dude.

NOEL  
[Coughs] I know. Getting faded on the pod. Fucking strange.

CODY  
But hey. [Looks into camera, pointing with index finger of hand holding beer can] This is for you guys.

NOEL  
Yeah, big thanks to you guys.

_They clink beer can and vape pen and then break into laughter._

CODY  
Just a reminder, you don't have to get stoned-stoned. Save a little hand-eye coordination, maybe?

NOEL  
[Blows out cloud] Aight. I'll refrain.

CODY  
Thank you.

NOEL  
But you better keep your shit together too. I deserve a steady canvas on which to enact my craft.

CODY  
Easy there, artist Noel.

NOEL  
[In French accent] I would like to paint your pussy.

CODY  
[Does a stereotypical French laugh]. Oh, before I forget, I wanna pull up the Patreon comments we saved for this. [Pulls out phone]

NOEL  
Yeah. [Pulls out phone] Thank you to everyone who responded to the post. We got a lot of good suggestions.

CODY  
This one says: watch shocker porn.

NOEL  
We could-- or were we gonna save?--

CODY  
Yeah we were going to try and save all of the good shit for the big porn react [Laughs] we're doing. Um...

NOEL  
What about "tell us your first drunk or high experience stories".

CODY  
Hmm... Yeah let's go with that one.

NOEL  
Word.

CODY  
You first.

NOEL  
Okay... The first time I got high... I was young. Maybe thirteen, fourteen. It was fine. I remember sitting down on my friend's couch and not being able to move for like two hours. And I had to pee so badly but I felt like glued to that couch cushion.

CODY  
And so you pissed yourself?

NOEL  
No. At some point I got up. But I pissed in the bathtub because I was worried that the toilet was too small for my stream. I did make it home on time, though. Don't know how.

CODY  
Damn. Okay well the first time I got drunk I was like fifteen. I was trying to hang with these older kids and one of them was just pounding vodka and I was like "okay I guess I should probably do that too"--

NOEL  
Damn, you let that peer pressure get to you.

CODY  
Well, I wouldn't say that. I chose to do something that everyone else was doing. Independently.

NOEL  
Okay. [Grins briefly]

CODY  
Anyway the next morning I'd never felt so shitty in my whole life. Like, I was trashed. I think I stayed home from school that day.

NOEL  
Did your parents know?

CODY  
I don't think so.

NOEL  
They probably did.

CODY  
Well, they do now, if they're watching. [Raises beer to camera] Hi mom and dad. Hope you're having a nice dinner and single glass of wine each. [Looks back to Noel] Did yours know? Your parents?

NOEL  
Probably. I mean I was usually pretty high energy as a kid and when I was stoned that first time I definitely wasn't acting like normal. [Takes another drag]

CODY  
Okay, next question or comment from Patreon. You pick this one. [Nods to Noel]

NOEL  
I saw one I wanted to-- yeah, here. Wait... [Tries to find the right comment]

CODY  
One down. [Cody sets his empty beer can on the counter behind him and grabs another one, popping the top] How long have we been going? [Laughs]

NOEL  
I don't know like ten minutes? Maybe not even.

CODY  
Fuck. How are we gonna do a whole three hours. [Takes sip]

NOEL  
It'll happen. Just be chill. We have plenty of shit to talk about. We just gotta take our time and do our thing. Zen, my friend.

CODY  
You already high, dude?

NOEL  
Close. [Takes drag] You know me. Shit hits quick.

CODY  
Yeah. Well now I feel like I gotta catch up. Fuck. [Laughs]

NOEL  
It's all good, man. Go gently into that good beer.

CODY  
[Chugs the rest of his second beer, slams the can down next to the first, and shakes his head, scrunching up his nose] Ow. Fuck. Shit's cold.

NOEL  
Despite being an alcoholic, you sure can't take the chill of refrigerated beer.

CODY  
I'm not an alcoholic. I've gotten much better. I haven't had a drink since... Monday. So... Three days ago. [Laughs]

NOEL  
You were drinking on a Monday?

CODY  
Just at dinner. It was only like two drinks.

NOEL  
Word. Hey... can I get real with you?

CODY  
[Pops open third beer] Hit me.

NOEL  
You ever think about how we are going to be old people one day. Like, one day we will be the people we call old people now. That will be us, just as a normal thing.

CODY  
Sometimes.

NOEL  
I don't know what it is about old people but I don't wanna look like one. They look all gross. Sad. Like God has given up on them entirely.

CODY  
Damn dude. That's fucking depressing.

NOEL  
But I like old people with senses of humor. I love when they tell stories.

CODY  
That doesn't annoy you? Just sitting there listening to them ramble like that?

NOEL  
Nah man. I like it when an old guy tells you about his life. Like what he used to eat, where he used to hang out. Shit's interesting.

CODY  
[Nods slowly] I think you're actually high, now. [Burps]

NOEL  
Hmm... I mean I just want to go talk to the grocery cart people, you know them?

CODY  
Where did that come from?

NOEL  
No, just like, the people who push all the grocery carts together in a long line? Bring 'em in from the parking lot?

CODY  
Yeah, I guess so.

NOEL  
They must have so many good stories. I need to read more books.

CODY  
Me too man. Fuck I don't really read at all.

NOEL  
Are we sponsored by Audible today?

CODY  
No.

NOEL  
Oh... I miss when like books had pictures in them. I love looking at pictures.

CODY  
Yeah, or like, watching TV is a good thing for that.

NOEL  
I'm fucking high, man. [Giggles]

CODY  
Oh, really? I couldn't tell. [Winks overtly at camera]

NOEL  
[Yawns] Fuck. I got distracted. I was gonna read this comment. [Pulls up phone again]

CODY  
Oh right. Do that.

NOEL  
Okay, it says: "I, male thirty-one, have been trying to figure out the best way to propose to my girlfriend of four years, female twenty-nine. I know, well, I hope, that she's going to say yes, so I want to do something special. What do I do?"

CODY  
Hmm... Well you've come to the right place my man...?

NOEL  
Henry.

CODY  
Henry! You've come to the right place. We can help you with that question, right away. Noel, you have the floor.

NOEL  
Well I mean you don't really give us all that much to go off of... So we are gonna have to assume a lot of details about you both.

CODY  
Yeah, like you both might live in the Arctic tundra, and so an outdoor proposal might not work.

NOEL  
Yeah or if you don't have knees, you won't be able to get down on one of them. [Tries but fails to suppress a giggle]

CODY  
I'm sorry, what?

NOEL  
Knees, he might not have any knees.

CODY  
Just... legs with no knees?

NOEL  
Uh-huh.

CODY  
He... I can't see how that would work...

NOEL  
Try harder. Open your third eye...

CODY  
Fuck. Um, but wait, we have to actually answer this guy's question. Henry. Our man.

NOEL  
Okay, well, you could try and be like casual about it and like put the ring on her finger while she's asleep. She wakes up, you're on the floor already bending the knee. Boom.

CODY  
But what if she's a light sleeper?

NOEL  
Oh you're right... damn.

CODY  
You could make a shirt that says "got marriage?" on it, and show up to her work like that, with the ring box open in your hand.

NOEL  
[Giggling] She'll have no choice but to accept.

CODY  
[Sighs] Sorry, Henry. Thank you for being a Patreoner. We're just bad at this shit.

NOEL  
Yeah good luck, man, with whatever you do. Hope your girl takes pity on you and says yes.

CODY  
That was kind of mean.

NOEL  
[Starts laughing and can't stop]

CODY  
Okay um. More comments?

NOEL  
Yeah yeah.

CODY  
This one says, "Yo my parents are getting a divorce and want me to choose which one I wanna live with. Who do I pick?"

NOEL  
[Busts out laughing]

CODY  
Noel... Hey... [Trying desperately not to laugh as hard] This is serious.

NOEL  
Whichever one has bigger tits.

CODY  
Or the bigger ass.

NOEL & CODY  
[Both bust up laughing]

CODY  
[Imitating a younger male voice] I'm sorry mom, but dad's tits are so nice.

NOEL  
Mom, you're only an A cup. Dad's like a solid B. I'm sorry.

CODY  
[Sighs through a laugh] Oh fuck... But seriously um we're sorry that's something you're going through, and it's going to be hard to choose, but you gotta do what's best for you, okay?

NOEL  
In other words, which one gives the best head.

CODY  
Dude.

NOEL & CODY  
[Both laugh so hard they can't speak and can barely breathe for about a minute]

NOEL  
I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

CODY  
Welcome to the incest podcast with your host, Noel Miller.

NOEL  
Now, look, a lot of people say that incest is bad, but I would say it's actually about the kind of incest.

CODY  
Oh no. [Buries face in hand]

NOEL  
Now, um... [Tries to finish the bit but is too distracted by his own other thoughts]

CODY  
Sorry, again... Um... [Looks at Patreon comment] Laura, for that.

NOEL  
[Still giggling slightly to himself]

CODY  
Um... Next one...

NOEL  
I'm fucking hungry. [Reaches into one of the grocery bags beside him on the kitchen island and grabs the Funyuns. Opens the bag and starts chowing down] You ever try parkour?

CODY  
[Looks to camera confusedly, then back to a still chewing Noel] Um, other than as a lame joke once or twice? No. You?

NOEL  
Naw. Never.

CODY  
What made you ask?

NOEL  
I don't know... I just thought of it for some reason.

CODY  
I wish I could take a day-trip in your brain man. High or sober. You got some wild shit going on in there.

NOEL  
You don't know the half of it. Even after all these years of you hearing my bullshit. [Laughs to himself] So you stopped drinking because you're drunk now?

CODY  
Yeah. I'm gonna let the alcohol I already have inside my stomach mix and mingle with my blood for a bit before I add any more.

NOEL  
Sick, bruvah.

CODY  
How long has it been? [Checks phone] Maybe we should start getting the hair stuff ready?

NOEL  
Go for it. [Keeps eating Funyuns]

CODY  
[Snorts] Okay. [Starts taking out hair stuff from bag, accidentally knocking beer can onto the floor] Oops. [stands up the different bottles and tools on the counter so they are visible to the camera and starts reading the instructions he had saved onto his phone. Then starts to compare those instructions with the ones on the back of the hair dye kit box]

NOEL  
[Hums to himself, then sings] Ooh girl... you taste like a Funyun. I just wanna lick you like a Funyun. [Traces the Funyun currently in his fingers with the tip of his tongue before shoving it whole into his mouth]

CODY  
So it says that... we're gonna want to take the lightener [touches that bottle] and the dye [touches that bottle] and mix them in the little plastic skillet here... You up for that?

NOEL  
[Licks his fingers before rubbing them on his jeans] I am-- wait. [Takes off his mic, then takes off his hoodie and throws it off to the side, out of frame] Ain't getting no blue dye on that shit.

CODY  
Here you go, sir. [Pushes supplies across countertop to Noel]

NOEL  
How much? All of it?

CODY  
Yeah. Fuck it. Why not.

NOEL  
[Starts squirting the dye from the tube] [Moans, as the tube makes suction noises] Oh yeah...

CODY  
Ew, dude.

NOEL  
[Moans louder and squeezes the tube harder]

NOEL & CODY  
[Laugh loudly]

_Noel adds all of the dye into the mixing pan and then adds all of the lightener. He takes the brush that had come with the kit and starts mixing the two things together._

CODY  
I like the technique you've got there. Good uh...

NOEL  
It's all in the wrist.

CODY  
I was just about to say. [Cranes neck to see the contents of the pan] God that's blue.

NOEL  
[Cackles devilishly] [Tilts pan to show the contents to the camera. Gets up to get the pan closer because the camera is a bit too far away to catch the subject clearly] Look, y'all. Look at this blue-ass hair dye. Hm. Exquisite. [Sits back down, still stirring]

CODY  
[Pulls out phone to check himself out in his front-facing camera]

NOEL  
You having second thoughts, dude? [Giggles]

CODY  
[Clearly nervous] Um, no. No. I am not.

NOEL  
[Looks directly into the camera] You hear that, guys? That's consent. Write that down, sign it, seal it, deliver it.

CODY  
Ha ha [Shaking his head at the whole situation]. Let's just get this over with, okay?


End file.
